Let yourself go!
Oh, no! Don't let yourself go! That would be weird. Can one hold onto "self"?
So, myspace was featuring Gary Jules on the home page and I remembered I really liked his cut of Mad World. So I went and listened to it. Now I'm feeling all philosophic and a little sad. The last time I saw Donnie Darko I was at such a different place in my life. Wow. Does anyone ever wonder whether God is on their side or not? I mean, I guess that's kind of a stupid question since He died for us. But again, philosophic moods mean you don't have to make sense. For instance, before Joshua entered the battle of Jericho, he saw the Angel of the Lord (pre-incarnate form of Jesus Christ) and asked (loosely quoted), are you for us or for our enemy? And the Angel replied, "Neither." Because God is on the side of good and righteousness. In fact, instead of looking at things in good vs. evil terms, we should look at it in God vs. evil terms since God is everything that is good and nothing that is evil. That makes things more concrete.
But sometimes I feel like Jacob and I'm wrestling with God more than anything else. Push and pull, back and forth and He just tolerates me. It's so frustrating to see the good/God, only to shy away and run towards the dark. The darkness is safer than the light, it enables me to not deal with my wickedness and sin. So much easier, so much more terrible. Even in the darkness God sees me and seeks me out. It's like a kid swallowing a bottle of household cleaner-adults know it will kill them so they tell them not to do it, put poison signs on the darn things, put them in harder to reach places but it doesn't matter. The kid wants what it can't have and the first place it will go is the forbidden. The bottle of bleach, the careless rumor, the lying tongue, hate and anger. It's all the same. And I'm that kid.
Death no longer holds sway, but my flesh continues its unceasing barrage. I know that praying and reading His word would prepare me for battle, but unfortunately that's part of the battle too. I can always find excuses not to take the time, let myself get carried away by distractions. The afterlife has to be so much better than this. "And I think it's kind of funny, I think it's kind of sad; that the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I ever had." That may not be true for me now, but reminds me of a time when it was. I don't want to die now, I'm not afraid of death either. I just want there to be no separation between me and Jesus, no matter how minute. Or maybe I should ask the Holy Spirit for help and remember that God is here on the earth, Terra Deo, no matter how awful the world can seem at times. My heart bleeds for those in the Middle East and for the people that think they can achieve peace politically. A false peace in the future, yes, but true peace only comes through Christ.
Okay, well that is a load off. Been a while since I've done one of my rants. I'm going to watch a good movie and have some blacker than death coffee.

"Don't quote me on that!" >R<